why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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