I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
