i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
