i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
