I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
