We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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