I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
