i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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