Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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