If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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