I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
