Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
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Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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