Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
