I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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