My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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