you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
