Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
