The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
