i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize