clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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