She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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