just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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