remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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