You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
