i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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