Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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