My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
