I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
