Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize