Umm I'm too high to move.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
