My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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