I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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