i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So here I am, sexting at work.
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