she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He kissed a someone with a penis
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
