Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
