Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
