i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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