So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
