I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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