Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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