she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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