I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround