im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He felt like a one man threesome
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god