So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked