I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I smell like Dick and happiness
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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