my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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