First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
where does the pee come out of this thing
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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