He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
