Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
