my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
