just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate all girls vehemently.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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