so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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