Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
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There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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