I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
