Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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