It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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