Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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